Life Goes On

What a week. First of all, I want to thank everyone for all of the phone calls, cards, emails and thoughtful sentiments that were sent our way. It really does help when people out there express their understanding for what we're going through, because not everyone knows how devastating losing a pet can be. It means a great deal to know that you are all thinking of us.

We are getting used to what I'm calling "new normal" around here. The best way I can describe it is this: You know when the power goes out, and even though you know there's no electricity, you still find yourself flipping the light switch on every time you enter a room? It's kinda like that. I know he's not here, but I still look for him when I come in the door, and I still head for the slider to let him out every night before I go to bed. 13 years is a long time, and it will take a while to let some of the old habits go I guess.

The hardest part, though is trying to explain all of this to Nicholas. We sat him down and talked to him about it right away, but he just didn't get it. It was a day or two later, when he realized that the dog was gone, that the questions began. We did our best to answer only the questions he asked, and to be as honest as we could. Still, a week later, he's still asking, "Where's Tigua?" And saying, "Don't worry, Mama, he'll be coming home soon." He did ask me where Heaven is, and I told him it's way way up in the sky. The other day I got an email at school from Todd saying that Nicholas had just stood in the middle of the driveway, looked up at the sky, and screamed at the top of his lungs, "Bye Tigua! I miss you!" And then asked Todd, "Daddy, why didn't he bark?" Good grief... literally.

Life does go on, however. This weekend we signed Nicholas up for preschool, which will start in the fall. I can't believe we're already talking about preschool. Time sure does fly. And we spent a great afternoon today in the snow with our neighbors. Nicholas and "G" went sledding and slid down the slide about 100 times each. We had a lot of laughs - and very cold toes!

Over the past week, I found myself writing more than I typically do - it's my way of working things out in my head. Like this blog - sometimes I think of it as my therapy. It started off as just a way to get information about Nicholas's premature birth out to the masses, but it has become more of a chronicle of our lives over the past 3 years. I feel like I should apologize for the sappiness of it at times, but it really is like my own personal journal, and I often feel lighter after I post something. Anyway, this is one of the lists I came up with this week. Thought I'd share it here.

Things I Learned About Life This Week

• It's possible that I loved that ol' furball more than even I realized.


• We have an amazing network of family, friends, and co-workers who will be there when we need them.


• Cats mourn too.


• From now on, it's my responsibility to bend down and pick up the food that I drop on the floor.


• 3-year-olds are more aware of life's mysteries than I thought, and can make some pretty profound statements.


• Always have waterproof mascara on hand for weeks like this one. You never know when something will set you off.
  


• No amount of chips, bowls of pasta, desserts, or glasses of wine can fill the hole in my heart where a golden retriever used to be. I'm still giving it a good try though.

Have a great week everyone!

Antigua Cutler 1998-2012

It is with a very heavy heart that I announce the passing of our beloved dog, Antigua. Man, I just reread that sentence, and I can't even believe I wrote it. Today will surely go down as one of the saddest days of my life. I always knew it would come - it's the day all pet owners dread, but accept as inevitable. If only that lessened the hurt that I feel tonight.

This came as a complete shock to us. He was just fine 24 hours ago. He went to doggie daycare on Wednesday and spent half of his day yesterday running up and down the hall with Nicholas, who was torturing him with a cookie. This morning, however, was a different story. Something was clearly wrong, and by 11:00 this morning, I was scrambling to write sub plans and rushing to Cheshire animal hospital. Apparently he had a malignant tumor on his spleen that was bleeding into his abdomen. He died at 1:15 this afternoon. Todd and I were with him the whole time, holding his head and whispering what a good dog he was and how much we loved him into his ear. It was very peaceful. We are having him cremated and will spread his ashes at Highland Lake, his most special place.

Antigua had such a gentle soul. We used to joke that if the house was ever burglarized, he would help the robber find the box for the DVD player. He was sweet and gentle and loving and loyal and beautiful and a little stupid - everything a good dog should be. He also hated going up stairs and riding in the car - things a dog should love to do! He had a wonderful personality - full of quirkiness, and we loved him for it.

I have always referred to Tigua as my first born. Todd and I raised him from a tiny puppy that we brought home on New Year's Eve, 1998. He's been here for every major milestone in our marriage - the good and the bad. He loved all of us unconditionally, and we loved him as a member of this family. He never had a problem when Nicholas came in and stole his thunder. He was there at the 3:00 feedings and sniffed all the stinky diapers. He ate EVERY crumb of food that Nicholas dropped on the floor - both by mistake and on purpose. And he suffered through the temper tantrums and the kicks and the stepped on paws - all with the grace and dignity of a wise old dog. And even though he often acted as Nicholas's personal punching bag, he would not go to sleep at night without at least one of Nicholas's sneakers in his bed.

Like most dog lovers, I read Marley and Me, and I specifically remember the author dedicating the book to his first dog, to whom all future dogs would be compared, but would never live up to. That's how I feel about my Tigua now. Although I know that other dogs will live in this house - none of them will ever replace my sweet Antigua. We love you buddy and know that you are up in heaven with a pile of bones and a huge field to run in. We miss you already and hope that you're looking down on us tonight, thankful for your beautiful life. Until we meet again old friend...

Open Up and Say Aaaaaah!

Today was a very big day in the life of Nicholas Alan Cutler. Today he went to the dentist for the first time. I was a little worried that he would be scared and uncooperative, but as usual, it was not necessary for me to worry!

Unfortunately I was not there (one of the joys of being a working mom...) but Todd says he was a real trooper. He said he was giggling the whole time. Can you blame him? I'd giggle too if I had to wear those silly glasses! And his toothpaste of choice?? Bubblegum!

Look at my little guy in that big chair! Yup! That settles it - next milestone moment, I'm taking the day off.

January 7th?????

What a day. I must've said that at least a hundred times today. What a day! It's really hard to believe it's January 7th in Connecticut. At one point this afternoon, the thermometer read 72 degrees in the sun - awesome. We spent the whole morning at Camp Sloper. What a blast that place is. We hiked the trail around the lake and Nicholas saw his first swans - damn those are big birds! Nicholas also got to play with one of his Christmas gifts, which are these long balloons that you blow up with a pump, and they make this squealing noise when you let them go. I swear we ran a mile chasing those things all over the field! A former student's Dad actually invented this toy, and I have to say, it's a really cool toy!

The hit of the day though, was the super slide. It looks big, yes. But it's even cooler than it looks. It is SO fast! I went down first and screamed like little girl the whole time. When I got to the bottom, I told Todd that it was hard for me not to scream, and he just rolled his eyes... until he tried it. If only I had the video camera going when he went down the first time - totally hilarious. Perhaps you heard him from where you live?

When we got home, I told Nicholas it was time for lunch and he said, "Let's have a picnic outside, Mommy." So... we did! I can honestly say that I can't remember ever eating outside in January - let alone with nothing but a sweatshirt on. Today was a gift. And we enjoyed every minute of it. I'm hoping that tomorrow is a carbon copy. I know it can't last, but for now, I'll take whatever I can get!!!